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Toilet roll shortage: 70% willing to poo in the shower will you?

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Desperate times are calling for desperate measures

As millions of people across the UK face the reality of running out of toilet paper, thanks to the panic-buying selfishness of some shoppers, up to two-thirds of people said they’d consider doing something disgusting as an alternative.

A UK based waste disposal company has found that many people would think of pooing in the shower if push came to shove in the current crisis.

This horrific truth has come to light via an online poll conducted by BusinessWaste.co.uk, showing the extreme alternatives many would be prepared to resort to in an emergency.

“70% of people said that they would poo in the shower if it came down to it,” reveals BusinessWaste.co.uk company spokesperson Mark Hall, “These are the lengths people would go to when they can’t get hold of toilet paper. The hoarders should be ashamed!”

No paper? No problem.

BusinessWaste.co.uk asked the public what they would do if they didn’t have any toilet paper if they were caught short in these uncertain times. We ask you to not to try these at home.

John, London: “I’ll be using junk mail that comes through my letterbox as well as any unwanted bills. That reminds me, I’ve just had my council tax bill come through. I could use that.”

Kevin, Leeds: “I’ll probably just dig a hole in my garden and poo under a bush. I let my dog go outside, so why can’t I? That, or I’ll make use of the million carrier bags my wife shoves in the cupboard and poo into those.”

Sharon, Shrewsbury: “I guess if we get stuck, I can use the 50 shades of Grey book that I’ve never read. I’ve got the sequels as well”

Patrica, Birkenhead: “I nicked a massive kitchen roll from the restaurant I work at before we shut our doors for the foreseeable future. That should last me about ten years!”

Johnathan, Derby: “I’ve been caught short a few times before, but there’s always a stash of baby wipes in the bathroom for the kids. I’ve even resorted to using the wife’s makeup wipes before, don’t tell her that though.”

Is there actually a shortage?

Ben is a delivery driver from Luton, and he’s seen first-hand how much people have stockpiled, “I delivered a parcel to a big detached house and I kid you not, when they opened the door the corridor was stacked floor to ceiling with toilet paper. I just started laughing. There were only four of them living there.”

But there shouldn’t be any need for a panic, as toilet roll is very simple and quick to produce on a large scale using huge machines. The only problem is these factories cannot get it to the shelves fast enough.

“It’s simple, there is enough toilet paper to go around but what’s currently available is just sitting unused in greedy people’s houses. Meanwhile you’ve got people stuck without, facing very desperate and embarrassing situations while they wait for the shops to restock.” Says Hall.

The struggle in the sewers

Although its funny to ponder the many alternatives to solving our toilet troubles, many sewage companies such as Thames water are reminding people to stop flushing anything other than pee, poo and toilet paper down the drains.

BusinessWaste.co.uk explain that flushing anything other than toilet paper down the loo could add to ‘fatbergs’ in the sewers, which are caused by a build up of fat and non-biodegradable materials such as wet wipes, which can lead to sewers blocking or overflowing.

Mark Hall elaborates this, saying that people need to stop thinking that they can flush wet wipes and kitchen roll down the bog. “If it flushes down it’ll cause a problem in the sewers. If it doesn’t, it could block your toilet and cost you a small fortune. Besides, what plumber is coming to fix that problem when everyone is social distancing?”

But there are eco-friendly options available if you are unable to get hold of toilet paper, as environmentalist Penelope from Hebden Bridge explains. “I don’t use toilet paper now, I haven’t for years. I use warm water and parts of an old towel I cut up, then I simply wash them and reuse. It’s much better for the environment”

But if washing dirty rags isn’t for you, Mark Hall suggests reaching out to friends and family to see if they have any loo roll going spare, and if all else fails, ask your local community on sites such as Facebook to see if anyone would be willing to part with a few rolls.

“We all have to muck in together during times like these.”

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