To infinity and beyond! Waste company blasts off for the Red Planet

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BusinessWaste.co.uk join forces with Elon Musk’s SpaceX for Martian mission

Yorkshire-based refuse and recycling company BusinessWaste.co.uk is proud to announce that its unique agreement to handle the waste for entrepreneur Elon Musk’s manned mission to Mars is to blast off today [1st April].

Britain’s fastest-growing waste company will now be the fastest-growing waste company in the solar system when two British astronauts lift off from the former Soviet Union this evening, after executives penned a contract for a five-year mission to visit this strange new world and empty their bins.

It comes after American billionaire Elon Musk revealed that his plans to land humans on Mars and set up a permanent colony on the Red Planet were already in motion, with a space craft already in orbit and ready to head off on its journey into the unknown.

“We’re delighted to be in partnership with Mr Musk and SpaceX,” says BusinessWaste.co.uk spokesman Mark Hall, “And we put pen to paper as soon as he reassured us that he wasn’t up to anything evil, which is important for the reputation of a company like ours.

“Fingers crossed for today’s launch, this is the start of a cosmic business relationship.”

In fact, it’s a match made in heaven. BusinessWaste.co.uk was drawn to the fact that the SpaceX mission has rejected the idea of having a Martian landfill site and wants to recycle as much rubbish as it can; SpaceX loved Business Waste’s offer of a free bin.

“Elon – we’re on first name terms now – told us that humanity has already wrecked one planet with huge festering rubbish dumps, waste and pollution, and he wanted to avoid making the same mistakes on Mars,” Hall says.

“And being the undisputed kings of recycling and green waste handling at low low prices, we are the obvious choice for the Red Planet.”

Introducing the astronauts

BusinessWaste.co.uk salutes the crew for today’s perilous yet rewarding mission to Mars:

• Leading the team is 57-year-old Yorkshire woman Sandy Braithwaite, a refuse operator of 30 years’ experience, who has recently attained a degree in astro-navigation and quantum mechanics through a work-sponsored Open University course. She can’t wait to get off-planet:

Sandy Braithwaite: “Me and the husband aren’t exactly on speaking terms these days, and now the kids have grown up, it would probably do us some good to spend some time apart.”

• In the co-pilot’s seat is 23-year-old space rookie Julian Meteor from Hull, who is uniquely qualified for space work as he’s very good at computer games, is in charge of emptying his mum’s bins at home, and has the bravest and most space-age-sounding name of all the BusinessWaste.co.uk volunteers.

Julian Meteor: “I hope they build a Domino’s on Mars. I love Domino’s.”

Elon Musk: “The pizza contract has gone to Papa John’s.”

Julian’s mum Julia Meteor: “When’s he going? I’ve got a lodger lined up for his room.”

Mark Hall: “We’re so proud of the guys putting their names forward for this perilous – and some would say, one-way – mission. They can’t wait to get stuck in, and they’ve been watching Matt Damon in The Martian round the clock as part of their training.”

Elon Musk: “We’re absolutely made up to have BusinessWaste.co.uk on board for Operation Not Evil At All. We’ll be colonising Mars with the very best, fittest human specimens, and Julian and Sandy are absolutely perfect.

“And the free bin, that sealed the deal.”

BusinessWaste.co.uk says the intrepid duo will blast off Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan this evening, where a Progress heavy-lift booster will lift them, their specially-adapted refuse truck and the all-important bin into a low Earth orbit.

They’ll then join the rest of the mission aboard Elon Musk’s USS Not Evil At All, and set off on the trip to Mars and history.

“Godspeed to them,” said a tearful Mark Hall. “We’ll spend many a long night watching them through a telescope as they recycle Martian waste back into something more useful.

“And dare I say it – that refuse handling facility next to the laser weapons factory will almost certainly be the future of mankind.”

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