Stark warning that president-elect will be a disaster for the environment
Britons are suddenly finding themselves in the market for nuclear fallout shelters in the wake of Donald Trump being elected the next president of the United States.
And one British company is offering holes in the ground for people to park them until fears of a global apocalypse subside.
But according to BusinessWaste.co.uk, we should be more worried about the fallout to the environment if Mr Trump decides to rip up climate deals and promote damaging fuels and technologies.
“We’re told that internet searches for ‘nuclear shelter’ spiked last Wednesday as people woke up to the US election result,” says Business Waste spokesperson Mark Hall, “and to be honest, we had a look too because we fear for a new Cold War.”
But with the threat of a nuclear winter hanging over us, the problem for most British householders is that the average garden isn’t big enough to accommodate a shelter these days, as bunkers are far larger than people think.
“They need a really big, deep hole, far bigger than a swimming pool” says Hall, “And that’s the sort of thing that gets neighbours moaning about ‘undermining our foundations’ and ‘Oh, are you going to leave us to die, then?’,” says Hall.
“And nothing breaks up life-long friendships quicker than a vicious fight for life with your neighbours as the bombs start falling,” he warns.
A hole of your own
That’s why BusinessWaste.co.uk is offering designer holes in the ground at retired landfill sites as the ideal solution to this problem.
“You can dig as deep as you like, and there’s even an endless supply of methane gas for you to tap into,” he says, tongue firmly in cheek. “And you can rest assure that your neighbours at the rubbish tip will share your keenness to survive the nuclear apocalypse.”
PLUSSES: According to military experts, landfill sites are not a strategic target, and are therefore more likely to survive the bombing. Landfill sites contain many of the raw materials you will need to start rebuilding society, including huge trucks if it all goes a bit ‘Mad Max’.
MINUSES: Out-of-town location may require a longer than four minute journey to safety. Nuclear fallout may produce huge killer seagulls. Be nuke aware!
Enemy of the planet
Donald Trump’s election victory is being seen as a disaster by anybody with an interest in protecting the environment, says BusinessWaste.co.uk
He’s pledged to tear up current agreements and environmental protection laws, and free up industry to return to its polluting and fossil fuel-heavy ways.
“The problem is that Trump makes his own rules,” says political analyst Sheldon Craig, “And his rules are always ‘victory at any cost’. He doesn’t care who he hurts.
“Trump is willing to damage the environment in the long term to give him and American businesses financial advantage over the rest of the world. Rivers will flow red with pollutants, and that’s a nailed-on promise.
“When even a reformed major polluter such as China is telling him he’s a maniac, it’s time for responsible companies like Business Waste to speak out,” Craig says. “It would be easy for people to say ‘Well, if America’s doing it, why not us?’, and that’s a road to global catastrophe.”
BusinessWaste.co.uk ‘s Mark Hall agrees: “We may be just one rapidly-growing company in a city 3,000 miles away from Washington, but we’ve got to make our voice heard.
“Every business in the country should join us and pledge to respect the environment and tell the incoming US administration that we’re not going to stand for it.”
But in the meantime, Hall says: “Call us anytime to find out how you can help defend the planet through responsible waste policies.
“We’ll be in our bunker.”
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