Do you wish your business waste would just disappear? New research shows that the best way to dispose of waste is to throw it into a parallel universe.
As our planet becomes consumed by waste, where better to offload our rubbish than to put it in a portal to another dimension?
A national and not-evil-at-all waste and recycling company is offering businesses and citizens the chance to do just that by harnessing a well-known space-time anomaly.
UK-based BusinessWaste.co.uk (Bermuda Triangle Division) can remove all your unwanted rubbish, and make sure it will never be seen again.
“Are you an evil villain with toxic nuclear waste, or just a regular Joe with too much trash?” asks company spokesperson Hank Scorpio, “we will take it all – no questions asked.”
What are the benefits of using another dimension for waste disposal?
BusinessWaste.co.uk (Bermuda Triangle Division) has done the maths and found that utilising an interdimensional portal for waste management is 99% cheaper than sending it to landfill.
“It just makes sense, it saves a tonne of money as well as completely removing the waste from our planet,” says spokesperson Hank Scorpio.
“We initially thought about shooting all the rubbish into the sun, but that was too expensive. Also, the first test-run missed and now orbits Venus.”
Another benefit that Bermuda Triangle Waste claims is how much time new waste system will save each customer.
“Gone are the days of separating your rubbish and recycling. Just chuck it all in together, the portal will take care of it. There’s no need to separate your general waste from your recycling and nuclear waste anymore!”
How does the system work?
Bermuda Triangle Waste has taken advantage of things already living in the interdimensional portal to help get the job done.
“Ever wondered what happened to all those poor red shirts from Star Trek? They wound up in the portal and work for us now,” Mr Scorpio from our undersea base in the Caribbean.
They will collect your waste from the kerbside, throw it into a bigger-on-the-inside lorry based on tried-and-tested TARDIS technology, meaning they will take more rubbish than your local collection services. Gone are the days of squishing down your rubbish to make sure your bin-lid closes.
Scorpio explains, “We wanted to make sure that we could take absolutely everything, so what better to use than a ‘bigger-on-the-inside’ time machine! Plus they seem to have a never-ending supply of jelly babies, I haven’t had to buy snacks in months.”
Bermuda Triangle Waste then take the rubbish to a portal hidden in a *top secret location*, where it is never to be seen again.
“We are unable to disclose exactly where our portal is, for legal reasons,” says BusinessWaste.co.uk company spokesperson Hank Scorpio, “But what we can say is that we can guarantee that any waste thrown into this space-time anomaly won’t be coming back to this planet.”
“I mean, we threw Godzilla in there a while ago, and no one has seen him since, have they?”
Can you really throw away anything into the portal?
Yes. Absolutely anything can be thrown into the portal, no matter how big, small, or embarrassing it might be.
Customer Ryan has made great use of the scheme, “I’m doing my bit for the planet and rounding up all the Green Lantern DVDs and merchandise I can find. They belong in the portal. It’s the least I can do for humanity.”
It isn’t just shameful franchises that are winding up in the portal, absolutely anything can be removed from the Earth forever.
“I ordered a huge batch of hats to be made with my campaign slogan on, but I made a bit of a typo on the order form,” says Donald, “Turns out the portal is the best place to remove all traces of my mistake, I don’t want people thinking I’m stupid.
“It also turns out that America isn’t spelt with a double ‘m’.”
In the unlikely event that a global disaster occurs as a result from the use of the portal, Bermuda Triangle Waste cannot be held accountable. Therefore, please contact Agent Nick Fury at S.H.I.E.L.D, so we can palm the problem off on them, because they just love any opportunity to save the world.
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